A Small Discount on a Cute Snail That Paints your Wall
So you decided you're interested in our Snails? Congratulations!
Oh, wait. "Decided" is too strong of a word. You feel, yes, person. You feel that you want a Snail in your life. But not just a normal, slow, good-for-nothing snail. No, person, you want a Snail. Yes, one that not only is the Best and most Peculiar of Snails, but one that Paints your Wall.
Ah, but you say, you want to see an image of it? (He prefers to be called "she/her", but at this point we're in the middle of a legal battle with another Snail That Paints your Wall that also wants a similar pronoun. Since we insist on all Snails to be Unique and Peculiar, we have not yet decided on which pronoun to give to each one and the courts will decide the outcome. Probably before next Christmas. Or Hanukah)
Well. We can't show you one. No, we can't. I said we can't! Why, you ask? You're not saying anything. You're going away.
Wait! Wait just a minute, person! Stay there. Stay. There. Stand still. Do not move. Stop completely. Look into your soul. You don't want to go. I can make it worth your while.
I will... INCREASE THE DISCOUNT!
Original discount was of 4.83%, but I can offer you... 9%!!! (I will discuss this with my accountant later. She will be very angry, I can tell you that. She doesn't like surprises).
I realize that I still haven't explained the lack of an image. It's very simple. All of our Snails are Unique and Peculiar. If you were to have a photo of them, then they wouldn't be Unique. Just Peculiar. And that's a no-no. No, person, that's bad. We tried that once. We failed. Miserably. After that our family decided that from now on, until the end of time, these Snails would be Unique and Peculiar. End of story. Finito. Sayonara. Arrivederci. Ciao. Guten Tag. Hola! Donde esta la biblioteca?
We still haven't got to the best part: it Paints your Wall!!!
That is, if we leave out the fact that it is a Cute Snail. It's very Cute. My lawyer is telling me I shouldn't say that. Right. It's a Cute Snail. Yes, not "very". That's not in the Terms and Conditions. Yes, I get it Larry. Yes, I won't say "very" again. No, Larry, I don't want to end up like my brother Marcus. Yes, Larry, I know What Happened to My Brother Marcus. Thank you. You too. Wow, what a nightmare (Marcus used to date my lawyer. Yep. Not really related to What Happened to Him, but I think you should know. I think there's some disclosure in the contract that says so. I'll check back later. But not with Larry. I don't like that guy. But he bought a Snail. He was one of the first clients, actually. Loved the Snail. It Painted its Wall).
So, are you ready to buy one of our
Oh, where did the person go?